you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
