My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
