When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
