apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
