ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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