What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
