I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
