Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
