i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
