if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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