Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
