Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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