I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
