I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
