The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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