did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
