The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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