i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
