I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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