i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
