I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
