Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
