I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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