Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
