I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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