It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
