Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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