I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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