I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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