Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
