Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
