I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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