Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
