we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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