May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She bit a glass in half.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
