I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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