did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
