This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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