No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
