Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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