Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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