You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
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