Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
