I wish my penis had an off switch
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
