he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
