sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
