He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
