sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
