A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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