Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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