Buhtt sex?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
The air was thick with penises
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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