the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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