Well douche your snatch and let's go!
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
