I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
