i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
