I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
